how we met - 6

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  -

part .5 here
part 1 here
part 2 here
part 3 here
part 4 here
part 5 here





Love is a choice.

I chose love when I decided to date Tyler.  I chose love when I moved back from Utah for him.  I chose love when we got engaged.  I chose love on a hot morning in Mesa when we were sealed together for time and all eternity.

Tyler and I have both made the choice to love each other over and over again, and a million times since then.  It's not all romance, but it is all beautiful and real and good.

I compromised my false ideals when I knelt across from him and held his hands that morning we were married.  I gave up some of the incredible naivete I had about what love is, and chose that man, that imperfect yet wonderful, flawed, sincere, conflicted, truly good man.

We looked at each other that morning with love.  With excitement and hope and nervousness and humility, but most of all with love.



<<<



Our early days were great and terrible.  I had been told that the first year was the hardest, and I clung to that - the hope that things could get better - as we navigated what it meant to be married.  I was ready for marriage.  Prepared for it.  But Tyler was so young inside, still.  It was hard for him.  

There is something great about growing up together.  It's how the two of us truly became family, forever more inseparable. We were tied together by it all.  We chose to love each other, and as we chose it, because it wasn't easy or dreamy all the time, our love grew stronger and stronger.

To say we've had our challenges is to minimize many experiences, but it's the best way I have to honor where we are, who we are as a couple.  This, where we are now, these days, is what I thought all those years ago that love was.  That, but infinitely deeper, infinitely better.  There's real hard-earned respect on both our parts, real generosity and adoration and goodness.  

Every day, every hour, every minute we choose to love each other still.  We have seen love end.  We choose not to let it.  We depend on each other, sustain each other, inspire each other, encourage each other.  We forgive.  We let things go.  Sometimes big things, sometimes little things.  Truly let them go.

We are not the perfect couple, but the couple that made a choice.  The choice to love.





the end.

how we met - 5

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  -

part .5 here
part 1 here
part 2 here
part 3 here
part 4 here




We pulled into the Saguaro National Park visitor's center parking lot.  We walked around the grounds for a few minutes and stopped at a bench, where we stood to watch as the sun set in beautiful oranges and purples.  Tyler proposed to me then, simply asking me to marry him.  

I said yes.



<<<



Later we talked to my parents, who were out of town, on the phone.  We told them the news and then went to my roommates parents' house to welcome home her brother, who had just gotten back from his mission.  

Then we told his parents.  There was, shall we say, a palpable lack of enthusiasm on one of their parts.



<<<



That week Tyler's brother was leaving for the MTC.  We traveled up to Mesa with his parents and brother as they went through the temple with him, and visited Tyler's grandmother and aunt.  I felt in the way.  It was a hard day.

Sometime that week I got a call from my mom, asking me to go visit my Nana.  When she had called my Nana's care home to check in with her, she found out that she was sick with pneumonia, and that it was pretty bad.  I went to visit my Nana and was surprised at how bad she was.  She wasn't lucid anymore.  She was skin and bones.  I spent as much time with her as I could.  Told her I was engaged.  Told her how much I loved her.  Tried to get her to drink, to talk.  She didn't know me, and I didn't know what to do.  

She passed away.



<<<



We set a date to be married - only about 2 months later, on September 10, 1999.  It wasn't a lot of time to prepare, but I loved the process of planning.  We did pretty much everything ourselves - my mom was still out of town and Tyler's mom graciously helped us with flowers and things.  

I found a beautiful dress at a small bridal shop.  They reassured me they could alter it to meet my needs - add sleeves and all.  I ordered it, and when it came in, they told me there was nothing they could do to alter it.  And they wouldn't give me a refund.  I was left to pick a dress out of their small inventory, so I did.  I never really liked it, but at least I didn't hate it.

Still we worked.  We started school for the fall semester - me giving college classes another shot, even though I kind of hate being in a classroom.  We were busy.  I got bronchitis, and was so sick.  

We were committed.  We loved each other and had decided to be together for eternity.  But this no-man's-land of engagement?  It was kind of hell.



<<<



Tyler took me out to lunch at Applebee's one day.  He sat across the table from me and acted differently.  I knew what he was thinking.  Knew what he wanted to say.  But he never said it.  Talked around it, didn't connect with me, but never actually said  the words.  Never told me that he wanted to break up with me.

We were supposed to get married in a couple of weeks.  I didn't know what to do.  We had so many plans, so many people changing their lives to make things happen for us.  So I did nothing.

how we met - 4

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  -

part .5 here
part 1 here
part 2 here
part 3 here




Just a few days later and my car was once again packed full of everything I owned and I was once again saying goodbye to my roommates and friends.  As I headed out of town I stopped at my brothers' house to say goodbye.  I had loved living near them - loved seeing those kiddos here and there, and snuggling their new little baby boy.

This time I was travelling alone.  I'd taken this trip so many times, but now I was nervous.  Not only that, but I was leaving in the late afternoon and was driving through the night.  It was a really long night.

I remember pulling up into the parking lot of Tyler's apartment building at 7am and seeing a few fun friends gathered together to welcome me back with a breakfast.  I ran down that sidewalk and jumped into Tyler's arms.  It was like being home.  It didn't matter to me that our relationship was so new, that most of it had been long distance, that I moved back home with no guarantees or assurances that we would even make it as a couple.  In that moment I was where I wanted and needed to be.


<<<


Our new routine included spending every free moment with each other.  We continued on the same foundation of our friendship, and we did so many of the same things.  We took long drives, often over Gates pass and around the Tucson Mountains and back into town through Marana.  We cooked a lot of meals together, and played games at his apartment.  One time I'm pretty sure we almost broke up over a game of Risk.

Tyler worked swing shifts at the Silverbell Mine after the semester ended, and I was back at my job working with kids at an elementary school.  Sometimes on his way out to his late shift at the mine he'd stop by my work and I'd take a little break and spend some time with him.  It was never long enough, and always got harder to send him off to his job.

We talked about marriage.  We weren't sure what our plans were, but we loved each other.  We loved spending time together.  Soon our plans and talks started to get a little more serious.  It wasn't so much about if, but when.  

We had our share of doubts.  I know there were times when I wondered if I should stay in this relationship or not.  I knew Tyler had some of the same concerns.  On one long drive he told me that if we were going to get married, it wouldn't be for a long time.

I was really hurt and confused, I think, but I said I was fine with it.  I went home that evening not knowing what was going to happen with us.  Were we going to make it?  Was this going to be like some other relationships I'd had and just end suddenly with me left kind of stunned and embarrassed and unsure and alone?

<<<

I talked to him sometime that next afternoon.  He told me he needed to talk to me.  When I got home from work I cleaned up a bit and he picked me up. 

I didn't know where I stood.  I loved this boy.  I did.  And I knew he loved me.  But it was all so hard, sometimes.  It wasn't any fairy tale romance, that was for sure.  We had real legitimate obstacles and issues and it was hard to know if it was all worth it.

All this was swimming around in my head as we drove.

how we met - part 3

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  -

part .5 here
part 1 here
part 2 here



The phone rang as we sat on the couch talking.  I answered it.  It was Tyler.

He called me most nights, to talk to me about his days and listen to mine.  We were kind of together, and kind of apart.  He knew I had spent some time with this boy sitting on my couch, but I don't think he had any worry.  He certainly never seemed to!

We talked for just a few minutes.  When I got off the phone, I turned around to face my friend.  We obviously needed to talk a little bit - I needed to be forthright about...well, I wasn't sure what.  That I was kinda, sorta, maybe dating this other guy?

My friend was great about it.  Happy for us and all that.  I was grateful it wasn't a problem, but it was also a little sad for me to realize how little I had meant to him - how easy it was for him to be fine with it.  

I don't know about you, but I'm shallow that way.  I always liked to know that people liked me.  I loved to know it. And while we were great friends, I knew he had really sort of broken my heart months before.  It opened up a little wound in my heart, the wondering that came, trying to figure out if I had ever been important to him.  The thing is - he had been very important to me!

But, overall, I felt more relief than anything.

I certainly didn't want to be dishonest, and I hadn't been, but I did feel like my feelings for Tyler were getting to a point where I, inside myself, didn't feel comfortable with even the idea of dating anyone else.


<<<


Here's what it is - Tyler was guileless.  Good and sincere and honest.  Flawed, to be sure.  Impulsive and easily discouraged, which worried me.  But all in all so good.  He was open and frank, for better or worse.  I always knew where I stood - I knew when he loved me.  I knew when he was mad at me.  I knew when I didn't live up to his expectations.

There was no flattery or sitting on a pedestal.  That was hard for me.  My pride liked that stuff.  And he could see my flaws crystal clearly.  And he called me on them.

It was so humbling.  So very humbling and hard for me to stick with things.  Not just the lovey-dovey good parts, but the parts where I had to grow and work.


<<<


My time in Provo was some of the very loneliest of my life.  My circumstances made it so hard for me to find friends.  I spent time with people I knew here and there, but they were all busy with school, and there I was day in and day out, not in school and having a beast of a time finding a job.  

My brother and his family lived nearby and I loved to visit them.  I got to babysit for their older two while my sister-in-law was in labor.  Those kids were such a light to me!  

After what seemed like a long time, I finally got a job at a movie rental place.  It was a fun job, and I worked with fun people.  When my roommates moved up for the summer from Tucson, one of my roommates got a job with me.

Meanwhile, Tyler and I called each other most nights and wrote each other -actual real, tangible, in hand letters that arrive in a real metal mailbox.  I loved every little piece of mail I got.  In those super lonely weeks before my roommates moved it, they were the highlight of my days!

<<<


One night, as my roommates were all around doing this and that, Tyler and I talked.  I was finally not lonely.  I was finally comfortable in my job.  I was finally getting used to my life in this new town - going for runs, church on campus, parties and FHE, all of it.

That's when he told me, "You should come back."  

how we met - part 2

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  -

part .5 here
part 1 here



He told me he loved me.  We had never even gone on a date.  But our friendship had been long and great, and while I wasn't exactly surprised, I didn't feel the same way.

I went home that night and talked to my roommate.  I didn't tell her what happened, I don't think, but I believe I said I could never marry Tyler.  That's a pretty telling thing to say, isn't it, because it means that I had given it some thought, right?  I thought I couldn't be with him.  I'd seen him in the other relationship, and I thought he wasn't the guy for me.


<<<


I packed my things and readied for my move.  My mom and I were going to travel up to Provo on the same day, and attend my older brother's graduation from BYU Law school.  I spent a lot of time with my special friends, and enjoyed that last couple of weeks with them.  I had mixed feelings about leaving, but I'd prayed about it a lot.  I really felt like it was right for me.

Sometime in that week before we left, I went on a date with Tyler.  I don't remember what we did, or where we went.  I know at some point during this time, we held hands.  I also know he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't let that happen.  There were lots of reasons, but me leaving soon was a big one.


<<<


The night before I left two things happened. I kissed Tyler.  And Tyler stayed up all night making me a cd.  It was full of BeeGees sappy love songs.  I hated it.  Kind of.  Also, I kind of loved it.

I left early that morning, with a walkie-talkie in my car, and one in my mom's.  We talked every once in awhile, and followed each other up to Provo.  I cried almost the whole way, and I wasn't sure why.  I wanted to move, I wanted this change.  And I didn't feel sure about Tyler at all.  I'd already had two very serious (to me) relationships end suddenly and unexpectedly in the last 6 months.  It was so hard.

But there I was in my car, hour after hour, just crumbling and being sad.


<<<


Remember that first guy I dated in this story?  The one I grew up knowing?  He helped me find a new apartment in Provo when I found out the one we'd planned on was pretty horrible.  And he took me out a few times. We were just good friends, but I could tell we could easily fall back into our old relationship. One night we went out to eat at Olive Garden, where he worked, and saw another of our friends from our ward growing up, who was pretty happy to see us together.  After dinner we headed back to my apartment.  As we sat down on the couch, the phone rang.

It was Tyler.

how we met - .5

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  - 

pt. 1 here

Here are a few things you should know - 

1 - Tyler never once thought of me during highschool.  We saw each other in our early morning seminary class, but went to two different schools.  He thought I was a bad girl or some kind of a rebel.  I asked him why once and he said something about me wearing my baseball cap backwards.  My Boston Red Sox baseball cap.  First impressions are funny.

2 - This is pretty intimate for me to share, but when I was 17 I was dating a guy for awhile.  I was worried in some ways about having that serious of a relationship.  I thought a lot about who I would someday marry.  Would it be someone I already knew?  A good friend?  A stranger?  Here's a phrase that was meaningful to me: "choose from among your friends..."  I thought.  I prayed.  At one point I told my friend I thought I'd marry ____'s brother, Tyler. I didn't remember that until after we were married.

3 - My first job was for Olan Mills Photography studios.  I was a telemarketer.  I was 17, and calling a long list of customers every day to offer them deals we had.  My first sale was to Tyler's mom.  I sold her his mission portraits. I only had that job for like a month.

4 - When we were in elementary school there were one or two years we went to the same little school.  We didn't know each other and he was a grade ahead of me.  But, we do have a picture of us at our '50 Nifty' program, standing there on stage with only one or two people between us.  I think that's pretty fun.

how we met - 1

I decided to write a record of what I remember about my early relationship with Tyler.  I am already forgetting so much, and I want to capture as many of the memories as possible.  I also want my kids to be able to read it, when and if they ever become more curious about it.  I know Tyler would tell it differently, but to me, this is how we met  - 


My college roommates and I went to FHE, an activity on Monday night with some of the other young adults from our church, one day in the the spring.  It was at Mountain Plaza, an apartment complex I lived in my first semester at college, that was a few blocks from the Martin House where we lived.  Our activity was in the pool area, but I don't remember swimming.  I'm guessing my friends and I were doing a quick stop in and had other plans?  I have no idea.  But, there, sitting off the the side was a guy I recognized from years earlier.  We had been in seminary together in highschool.  I knew his younger brother a little, but we didn't know each other.  He looked pretty shy, a bit off to the side and on his own.

I introduced myself and invited him to participate in whatever we were doing.  He declined.  So I stood there and talked to him for a little bit.  I found out he was fresh off of his mission, and I knew his brother had just recently left.  After a little while I left to go visit my friend Sara's apartment.  She was my roommates sister, and we loved to stop by and catch up, and also perhaps use her internet connection for a little while.  Email access!  It was a relatively new and totally awesome thing.

I later found out that Tyler talked to Sara that night about me.  She let him know I was dating someone else. Thing is, I wasn't!  Another friend I'd known since we grew up in the same ward had recently come home from his mission, too.  And since I wrote to him throughout his mission, I think he felt a little obligated to take me out once or twice, but that was it.

So, Tyler didn't call me and ask me out, like he had planned to.

And I had no idea.

<<<

That other returned missionary friend and I did start dating.  It was very romantic, and we had a great time together that summer, but we both knew he was headed off to BYU soon.  Tyler also started dating someone else, a girl I knew from the institute.  Not only that, but the guy I was dating and Tyler became friends and workout buddies.  They spent quite a bit of time together and we even double dated once or twice.

A few months and a bunch of little dramatic moments later, and I and my boyfriend were broken up, and Tyler and the girl he had dated were no longer together.  To tell you the truth, he was devastated.  It was a rough breakup for them, and for a little while they both were talking to me about it.  I think that didn't last very long, since Tyler started spending a lot of time over at our house and talking to me.

Tyler and I started spending a lot of time together.  He'd drop by and we'd go do this errand or that thing.  We planned some fun activities together - early morning breakfast group dates to which we both brought other people, a big camping trip to Patagonia Lake, and so much more.  I helped him pick which girls to ask out and plan dates, and we doubled a lot.   I met some of his family and spent some time over at his house, and he even met my parents somehow.  I think he even took a class with my brother at Pima CC that semester.  We sure saw each other a lot - we became such good friends!

<<<

That semester I decided I was done with Tucson.  I'd had a frustrating year and I was feeling just so stuck, like I really needed to move on to something new, but there was nothing there for me anymore.  I was so restless and wanted out, so I decided to move to Provo for a little while.

I found an apartment and made a plan with my roommates - they were going to finish the semester and join me in Provo for the summer for a little, or a LOT, of fun.  We had big plans, and I'm not going to lie - a lot of them had to do with b o y s.

The week before I left, Tyler took me on one of our long drives.  We drove up Mount Lemmon, all the way to the top, and then turned around and drove back down again.  Somewhere along that drive Tyler told me something that would change my life.


more coming soon.